I just pynch a tree in the face
Soap is not a condiment
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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