i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
