John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize