she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
