i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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