aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
