Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
