If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I FOUND THE LEGS
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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