Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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