Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
