shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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