Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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