I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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