but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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