Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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