***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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