my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
