I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
