My liver just broke up with me...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize