cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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