his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
