According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I want you more than these girls want KFC
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
