Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
