I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
