The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
