Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
