Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
