on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
