Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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