The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
