i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm like, not good at living.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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