you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
