do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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