We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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