Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
