Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
