I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
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