my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
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