alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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