my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
What changed your mind?
Being sober
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Randomize
