im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Randomize
