I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
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