The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
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