He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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