I wanna bring you to show and tell
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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