Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I pour the whiskey from now on
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
