i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
