she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
