Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
