I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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