The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
