i need an iv and a liver transplant
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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