I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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