just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize