If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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