forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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