whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
