mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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