Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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