you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
